Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Desires of My Heart

Let me just take a minute to tell you how amazing our God is.  He knew me, knew the plans for my family before the creation of the world.  Back when I was a rebellious teenager wanting nothing to do with a husband or children, he knew this amazing plan He had for my life.  A couple of short years later, when I wanted to marry my boyfriend at age 18 and everyone on the planet said "you fool, it will never last," even then did God know the plan.  And, God knew that on December 27th 2010, I would receive the call that changed it all.  It surprised the crap out of me, but not Him.  He also knew that my stubborn little heart would probably need some preparation.

One of the amazing things about God is that he has the power to change our desires, to create His desires in our selfish little hearts.  And, for some reason, He saw fit to perform this mighty miracle in the most selfish, unworthy and unloving of all hearts ... mine. 

Ever since our return from Ethiopia, my heart and mind just couldn't shake it.  I couldn't shake the memory of 5 year-olds clinging to my leg in the orphanage in rural Ethiopia, calling me "mama."  I couldn't shake the memory of blind and disfigured beggars on the streets of Addis Ababa begging for change, and I still can't forgive the fact that I passed them by.  I longed to go back to Ethiopia, to have the opportunity to redeem myself, to be more generous and less frightful of my surroundings.  I longed to be able to hold a 5 year-old and tell him that yes, I would be his mama.

And so I already possessed a strong desire to adopt an older child; not now, mind you (I'm not totally crazy), but in a few years. I thought of the ever growing list of people wanting babies, and all the "older" children lingering on waiting child lists. I had secretly been looking at Holt's waiting child list often, and calculating ages and when Raven and Taz would be nearing school. I knew in my mind that we wouldn't be in a position to do this for a few years, so why did I keep looking at the lists, reading older child adoption blogs and keeping up to date on everything that is Ethiopian adoptions?  Why?  Oh, because God had a faster plan - that's why!

Our social worker was at our house just the week before for our last post-placement visit, and I told her half-joking "see you in a couple of years for the next adoption." Don't you know that God was just sitting up in heaven, probably laughing his head off at that one (little did either of us know I would actually be seeing her in a few weeks for the next adoption).  I had mentioned the idea to Mr T about a month before, but he was not yet totally on board. He said it was definitely something God would have to lead him to because, at this point, it just seemed too risky, too many unknowns. Neither one of us had any clue just how quickly God would lead both of us down this road.

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart"  Psalm 37:4 
Thank you Lord for planting and fulfilling my desires!

3 comments:

  1. :)

    That's all I've got, just a big ol' happy face for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. My dear girl, I remember that rebellious (and sometimes a bit snarly) teenager very well. And I rejoice in the godly woman she has become! You are a constant inspiration to even us old(er) folks. Love you so much!! Aunt Janie

    ReplyDelete
  3. :)

    That's all I've got, just a big ol' happy face for you!!!

    ReplyDelete