Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Blankets, Crap, Trust and Waiting

Have I ever mentioned Taz's love affair with his blankie?  Definition of adorable, bordering obsessive, he loves him some blankie.  Normally I'm smart enough to create major diversions when washing is required.  Not so this day.  He caught me throwing it in the wash.  Sound the alarms - disaster mode initiated.  We spent a good amount of time like this:

And when I wasn't patient enough to sit and watch blankie's every move, spin, rinse and dry for the next 2 hours, he looked like this:

No one will ever accuse my boy of lacking passion.  No one!

As I stood holding this scared, mad, tunnel-visioned little boy, who I love beyond any measure of logic or sense, I kept asking myself WHY won't he listen?  This dumb blanket will be come out fresh clean and not smelling like feces in less than 2 hours.  WHY can't he trust me?"  It was maddening how little he understood and how miserable he was making himself as we waited.

And then our good and patient God showed me.  This is me. Exactly.  I'm an irrational 2 year-old, tired of waiting, not understanding the purpose in it, wailing and gnashing my teeth in grief, thinking another month or three might just kill me.  My understanding and ability to see the big picture compared to His: Like that of a 2 year-old.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1: 2-4

If I'm being honest, I can't say that I am yet considering this wait with joy.  I still don't want to talk about it and I still don't want people telling me about God's timing being perfect.  Thankfully, I have a patient Father, willing to hold me and whisper His promises in my irrational ear as I want to just sit on top of the washer, cry my eyes out and watch it spin.

God's word seems to have a lot to say about suffering, most of it not really what I want to hear right now.  He promises to have a purpose, a plan and glory in this suffering, but He does not promise to make it go away in this life.  I pray that He would refine me, that justice, mercy and truth would prevail, that I might come out of this smelling a little less like poo, that it could perhaps hurt a little bit less and that my heart might not explode.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer." 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

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  1. Great post.  :) 

  2. You are a better woman than I.

  3. Love you guys!

    Remember this song, it helped us before, spoke to our hearts once. 

  4. I love this post.  So many times we forget that the Father's heart is good, that even when it doesn't feel like it, He is in control.  I need to be reminded of that approximately 3478 times a day.  But I don't think that means we can't throw a good old-fashioned tantrum every great once in awhile.  Just as Taz is passionate about his blankie, you are passionate about your new little guy.  And that definitely makes waiting hard.  

  5. i've been thinking&praying for you and also for your hubby on the ground in ET. this stuff aches like mad.

    loving you today, shonda.

  6. Thank you for your honesty. And your hilarity. I love your blog (disclosure - I don't keep up to date) and it speaks to me every time. Many of those times involve tears (the good kind, I guess?). Praying for you now as you adjust to life as a family of 7 and rejoice with you on bringing your son home.