Preparing Our Kids To Discuss Adoption

As much as we want our kids to be sheltered and for us to be the ones who are always around to handle the tough questions, the cold reality is that adopted kids will often be bombarded by questions about their "story" when we aren't around.  Fact.  As MB started school this fall, we were just concerned about him making it through the day without melting down, learning English and not getting hungry, and so the issue of discussing adoption sort of went on the back burner.  My visit to the school last week made it painfully obvious that we had not properly prepared him for this arena.  If I had it to do over again, the following steps are what I would do before sending my adopted kid to school, and what we will busily be doing in the future:

Use the word adoption.  This is where I failed big time.  We talk about adoption all the time.  A day rarely goes by when we don't talk about Ethiopia, talk about the boys' first family, pray for them together, talk about when they joined our family, how thankful I am that I get to be their mom, etc.  However, looking back I realized that I rarely used the word adoption.  I didn't knowingly avoid it, there just seemed more appropriate/sensitive words to use.  I now realize what a mistake this was because the world at large, it will use the word adoption when asking questions.  And if we haven't properly defined the word adoption and framed it to mean a good, loving and positive thing, we are leaving it to others to set the tone for that word.  I was shocked that MB didn't really even seem to have a firm grasp on what that word totally meant.

Role play, role play, role play.  If you are a family obviously formed through adoption, your kid WILL be questioned about it when you aren't there.  Unavoidable fact.  Prepare him for this eventuality by role playing through questions and through answers.  Practice what answers he would like to give in certain situations and prepare him to answer them. And, along those lines ...

Set boundaries for what questions he is required (or better said, not-required) to answer.  For example, if someone asks why (oh, and they will ask why) he's adopted, talk about this with your child.  Let him know that is completely okay to not answer certain questions, and help him through possible polite but firm responses.  For example, when Nosy Neighbor asks "What happened to your family.  Why were you adopted?" it is perfectly acceptable to answer "that's very personal and not something we talk about outside of our family." MB, however, really likes to talk about his first family and he's taken photos of his dad and brothers to show and tell.  For him, it seems more natural and comfortable for him to just say "my first mom died, my dad loved me a whole lot but just couldn't take care of me."  However, he seems to deal with his first mom's death on a pretty superficial level at the current time and he may become less comfortable with divulging this detail over time.  And that is okay.

Prepare classmates and teachers.  Like I mentioned earlier, I am scheduled to go have a talk with MB's class and read a book and discuss adoption.  More on this to come, but MB and I are in the process of discussing what he wants me to read, what questions he wants me to answer and which ones he doesn't.  I'll keep y'all posted.

Define appropriate language for your kids.  We all know the bad language, the stupid questions (is he your real child?)  Prepare kids for these words by being proactive.  Tell your son he is your real son and you are his real mom, and he had a mom before and she was his first mom, but you are both very real.  And tell him that sometimes not everyone understands much about adoption and so sometimes people use words like "real" in inappropriate ways.  It's pretty much a guarantee that your kid will have an encounter just like this from someone somewhere.  Give him some ammunition to combat it, and make sure it is a topic you've already covered so your son's place in the family isn't rocked by some unthinker.

Other miscellaneous thoughts ... oh yes, she has O-PIN-IONS...

Talk about adoption in a positive light.  It's one thing to air out all your cynicism and mistrust of this system we call adoption on the internet, but when talking to (and around) your kids about adoption, realize you are talking about them and you are instrumental in developing their self worth and helping stomp out their insecurities and fears.  Perhaps save the heated debate about adoption ethics, child trafficking and birth parent rights for a time when little tike isn't in the room.

Talk about their first family in a positive light.  For some kids' stories, this will be harder than others, but I believe deep down inside all parents have some sort of love for their kids, no matter how bad their choices may have been.  Along those lines ...

Be very careful with your child's story.  This is an issue that has been discussed to death, so I'm not going to dig up the horse and beat it some more, other than to say ...  If your child was abandoned, oh for heaven's sake keep the details of that (found in a ditch, found in the woods, left on the corner) as private as you can, and only share it with people who you trust and who know the importance of such information.  The damage information like that can do to a child's self worth ... I can't even imagine.  Yes, he will eventually learn the details of his past, but let it be in a well thought out, comforting and reassuring environment you control when he is old enough to process it and lean on you for support.  (off topic, but one more Opinion I happen to have:  If my child had such a story, I would hire a PI in a heartbeat to find more details about that situation.  You might be shocked how often a PI will easily find living relatives in an abandonment case and those details show a heck of a lot more love and concern for your child than the four words scratched on your referral paperwork)

Help your child deal with the questions in a positive way by reinforcing the idea that people aren't asking questions to be rude, or to pick on him or because he is different or less-than in any way.  It is (99% of the time) just because people are interested in the very special and unique way your family was formed.  MB, you are a very special and cool boy.  In fact, you're the coolest kid I know, and it is natural for other kids to want to learn more about you.  You have lived on two different continents, you have spoken three languages, you've traveled further than any other kids in your class and you have two complete families who love you to pieces.  What kid wouldn't want to know more about that?  (However, if you are uncomfortable or sad about the questions, remember that you do NOT have to answer them.  And it is okay to admit that sometimes the questions get tiresome) 

Lastly (it's about time.  you were waiting for me to wrap this up, weren't you?), revisit this topic often and do not leave it to your child to bring it up.  Even though he may not broach the subject, you can be assured he is thinking about it and dealing with it away from you.  It's not a checklist where you check all the boxes once and think you're covered.  Our kids are ever growing and evolving spiritual beings, capable of a lot of thought, introspection and questioning.  Show you are there for them on this topic by being faithful to bring it up.  Even if you continually hit a cold brick wall, at least they will know that you are there as a trusted, compassionate source.





So friends, what did I miss?  Any of the above you totally disagree with?  A big thank you to my commenters on my last post.  I am so thankful for this community and all I have learned from her.

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