Last Thursday Zoom celebrated his half birthday at school. Apparently a half birthday to a first grader is spare-no-expense, crazy-high-expectations, world-class oh my word, it's not even a real birthday kinda shindig. He wanted me to come have lunch with him. I was on call Thursday and usually my patient case load does not allow me an hour+ lunch in the middle of the day. However, it happened to be a light day and so I snuck up to the kids' school and surprised both of my boys with lunch with their mom. My arm was rather tired on the drive over there from the continual patting of myself on the back due to my superstar mom sacrifices.
I surprised my boys .... and that was my first mistake. Though Zoom (the half-birthday-not-even-a-real-birthday-boy) was beside himself with delight, MB does not do amazingly well with surprises. His little brain needs some time for goodness to soak in and usually a surprise, no matter how great it may be, is not initially perceived as a positive thing. (anyone else's kids like this?) I'm sure his history of "surprises" were often associated with a lot of fear, and I knew this about him. But my lame brain just forgot to consider this when deciding last minute to run up to school.
So, the first thing that happened when I walked over to the Kindergarten table was some loud mouthed obnoxoid yelled "MB, are you adopteeeeeeed?" It was said sort of in the same tone as "oh friend, did you just step in CRAP?" MB was silent and I said in my best peppy cheerleaderytry not to smack you upside the head voice "of course he is. Isn't that great?" Then the kid said something along the lines of "I told you you were adopted" in a way that implied MB had previously denied it, making my heart break further into 5,000 more little pieces. We then proceed over to the first grade table, sit down and two little girls instantly chime in with "MB, is this your MOOOOOOMMMMMMM???????" So, Zoom is your BROTHEEERRRRRRR?????" in a disbelieving tone like you would say "MB, you are from the moon?????"
My little boy was crushed and hurting and silent the rest of the meal. Oh, except for the four words he mumbled which were "is Zoom adopted too?" As if my heart could not break anymore for this little guy.
So I drove back to work and cried my eyes out to my coworker and began analyzing how very many things I had done wrong.
I spent the weekend talking to Mr. T, talking to MB and praying that this might be "fixed." Here's the deal though ... the pain and struggles and the feeling different that comes with adoption ... I don't think there's a quick fix for it. It is a process that we need to struggle along side our kids with and not bury our heads in the sand because we think it's not really an issue or our kids are somehow "past" that. MB has adjusted so much better than anyone could have expected, but this is always going to be a reality for him. We need to prepare our kids as best we can (I can think of about a dozen ways I failed to prepare MB for these conversations) and talk this stuff out as much as we can. By the way, MB hates talking things out and getting him to utter words in a serious conversation is about as easy as licking your elbows (yep, go ahead and look like a fool and try it. It's not possible). Just because kids don't come home talking about other butt-headed kids (and adults, can I get an mmmm hmmmm?) asking insensitive questions doesn't mean it isn't something they face and are hurt by, perhaps daily?
And so Mr. T and I came up with a plan of attack. We weren't nearly as intentional about this issue as we should have been and I am so thankful that this lunch opened my eyes wider to our need to be. But, before I spell out our strategy to help MB (and eventually Taz) through this topic of being adopted, tell me yours. Did you do anything special to prepare your kids, kids' teachers or classmates for how to talk about adoption? How did you prepare your kid to answer questions about adoption? One of the things on my list is to go talk to his class and read a book about adoption. Any suggestions for such a book?
I surprised my boys .... and that was my first mistake. Though Zoom (the half-birthday-not-even-a-real-birthday-boy) was beside himself with delight, MB does not do amazingly well with surprises. His little brain needs some time for goodness to soak in and usually a surprise, no matter how great it may be, is not initially perceived as a positive thing. (anyone else's kids like this?) I'm sure his history of "surprises" were often associated with a lot of fear, and I knew this about him. But my lame brain just forgot to consider this when deciding last minute to run up to school.
So, the first thing that happened when I walked over to the Kindergarten table was some loud mouthed obnoxoid yelled "MB, are you adopteeeeeeed?" It was said sort of in the same tone as "oh friend, did you just step in CRAP?" MB was silent and I said in my best peppy cheerleadery
My little boy was crushed and hurting and silent the rest of the meal. Oh, except for the four words he mumbled which were "is Zoom adopted too?" As if my heart could not break anymore for this little guy.
So I drove back to work and cried my eyes out to my coworker and began analyzing how very many things I had done wrong.
I spent the weekend talking to Mr. T, talking to MB and praying that this might be "fixed." Here's the deal though ... the pain and struggles and the feeling different that comes with adoption ... I don't think there's a quick fix for it. It is a process that we need to struggle along side our kids with and not bury our heads in the sand because we think it's not really an issue or our kids are somehow "past" that. MB has adjusted so much better than anyone could have expected, but this is always going to be a reality for him. We need to prepare our kids as best we can (I can think of about a dozen ways I failed to prepare MB for these conversations) and talk this stuff out as much as we can. By the way, MB hates talking things out and getting him to utter words in a serious conversation is about as easy as licking your elbows (yep, go ahead and look like a fool and try it. It's not possible). Just because kids don't come home talking about other butt-headed kids (and adults, can I get an mmmm hmmmm?) asking insensitive questions doesn't mean it isn't something they face and are hurt by, perhaps daily?
And so Mr. T and I came up with a plan of attack. We weren't nearly as intentional about this issue as we should have been and I am so thankful that this lunch opened my eyes wider to our need to be. But, before I spell out our strategy to help MB (and eventually Taz) through this topic of being adopted, tell me yours. Did you do anything special to prepare your kids, kids' teachers or classmates for how to talk about adoption? How did you prepare your kid to answer questions about adoption? One of the things on my list is to go talk to his class and read a book about adoption. Any suggestions for such a book?
Oh my goodness, the poor thing! I feel so badly for both of you.
ReplyDeleteI started in kindergarten going in to my DD's classroom and doing a presentation on adoption. I wanted to be the one to tell them things like "an adoption plan is made because of grown up reasons and not because of anything the child did" ---among other things. Last year I started my presentation asking who knows what an iphone is and who knows who Steve Jobs was and oh by the way, he was adopted --along with other famous (and super cool) people.
I always took questions and always brought a photo of our family so they could see that even if you don't "match" you can still be a family.
As for books I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Todd Parr books "We belong together" and "The family book". You can also read "A Mother For Chocco" but kids don't actually hear the word "adoption" and it sometimes goes right over their heads.
Whenever I did a presentation in DD's class I always asked her permission ahead of time and we always discussed the "silly" questions we got afterward. I try to emphasize that sometimes people just don't understand and the more we teach them about adoption the fewer silly questions she will have to answer herself.
Good luck with however you handle it!
That is amazing advise Casa. Thank you so much. I am planning a trip to my son's class next week to read, and I love the idea of discussing the "silly" questions afterwards.
DeleteOh, and LOVE the idea of bringing photos of famous people who were adopted and talking about them. I am definitely doing that. Thanks again.
DeleteYep, no quick fix. I'm not going to bombard you with gobs of suggestions. I'm just going to say, "Yes, I get this." You're doing a great job, Mom! We all have some mess-ups and try to patch things up and pray for buckets full of grace.
ReplyDeleteBathtubs of grace over here. Thanks Eleanor
DeleteI just took treats to school for my girls' half birthdays too (oh my word, the pressure). I sometimes feel like I've got forever (with Shu) before having to deal with "adoption issues" like this, but reading this reminds me it will come. Sobering.
ReplyDeleteYes Jerusha, before you know it :-(
Deleteoh yes, oh yes... our sons are so alike! It took months of coaching before D (6 years old, adopted at 5) became confident with his answers to adoption questions. Just recently he pulled off: A kid from his class asked, "How come your mom is white!?", and he said, with a shrug, "I'm adopted." The key with him was convincing him that the questions are ok, that other kids just don't know about adoption and that he doesn't have to feel bad answering questions, even if they sound silly. We usually have him read his homemade life book to his class when he's ready too. Can't wait to hear how MB does!
ReplyDeleteReality check - even at your small, private school where everyone knows your family. Crap-ola. And, tip-toeing up to his one year anniversary (trauma--versary?) I am so ill prepared for ALL of this. One thing you really having going for you - all of your kids so clearly KNOW the right thing. I see them as an awesome force of togetherness. I can not see anyone messing with MB or Taz if (and I have forgotten her code name) but Big Sis is around.
ReplyDeleteYes Semi, I thought there would be some sort of immunity from the questions because my kids go to such a small school and seriously every single child in the school knows MB. But, alas, no. They really weren't trying to be mean, it just made MB so uncomfortable and I felt terrible for him. I'm sure had big sis been there, she would have handled all the questions, because that is her way :-)
DeleteHave no idea where in the country you are out.....But I love the Little Golden Book, "A Blessing from Above"....which does mention God on the last page.......but the rest is such a sweet picture of why someone might need to be adopted and yet they are loved by two very different families. Wow! Appreciate the post and honesty......keep us updated and for a future mama of an adoptee I will treasure learning from you. :)
ReplyDeleteI will check out this book. Thanks Amber
DeleteI think I might have cried reading this. We are also at that one year (trauma-versary). This week Lance says to B, "goodness your legs are so dry they're grey!" The B answers, "Yippee, I'm almost white like everyone else". Big fat fail. I have no answers... but I'll be taking notes on what you have planned for MB and Taz!
ReplyDeleteOne year ... crazy! Poor B, poor MB. This is all a lot trickier than I ever thought it would be.
DeleteI haven't used it yet, but I've heard good things about Wise Up Powerbook. It's somewhere on a "to do list" in the back of my mind to order it from Amazon. My son in 10 and was adopted from China when he was almost 8.
ReplyDeleteI will go check this out Dana. Thanks!
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